Thomas was supposed to come back tonight, but apparently his mistress's husband returned from his trip earlier than expected, so he returned last night instead. He's not sure how long he's going to stay -- it could be days, weeks, or months. I may be out before he is! And then we have to sell the house.
The dark cloud of doom and gloom has returned. It's very stressful. The negativity is palpable. He was like this before, but I always minimized and rationalized his behavior. It will be a challenge to live together while we continue along the path to divorce. If he's going to be here, at least he could try to be pleasant. A cider or bit of wine makes him nearly tolerable.
Yesterday I went birding with a few friends, leaving work early. Some short-eared owls had been sighted, so off we went. After seeing them fly around a bit, we lucked out on one that was standing in a ditch on the side of the road, only about 15 feet from our car! We watched him for a few minutes until he took off. Simply breathtaking!
After that enjoyable experience, I had to return home to Thomas. Not fun. We came to an agreement on the property settlement, in an attempt to avoid going to litigation on the divorce. We wrote it out and both signed it, so hopefully he will uphold his word this time. As opposed to the part of our marriage ceremony where he promised to forsake all others. You might be able to see that I'm not overly optimistic about this! I didn't get what I feel I deserve, but it's reasonable and two lawyers told me that if we could agree to this, I'd be better off than taking my chances with litigation where I'd probably get a bit more but with lawyers' fees and the stress of litigation.
Despite my negative tone in this entry, I am doing quite well. My eyes have been opened and I've reviewed our relationship. There's a big difference between sharing values and sharing hobbies. We certainly shared hobbies, but our values are opposite. I value honesty, integrity, family, kindness to animals and people, etc. I'm really lucky to escape from this relationship at a relatively young age, so I still have years of happiness ahead of me.
I have some leads on jobs (mine ends on March 31) and hopefully will secure something in the next month or so. Once I know where I will be working, I can rent an apartment and Max, Calypso, and I can move out.
Once again, my family and friends (including all of you!) have stepped up and have helped me through this process. I have been overwhelmed with how supportive and loving everyone has been. I have heard more compliments in the past 6 weeks than in the previous year. No one can understand how/why this happened. And if they met her, they'd understand even less!
The past few years have absolutely flown by, so now I'm hoping the next 6 months do as well. I am excited about my new life and can't wait to get started! It's just hard to do here with him around. I feel like I'm currently stuck in neutral and I just want to move on.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Rocky's last day at my house
The day after Stella went home, Rocky went up to the rescue. I was hoping to place him directly in a home to prevent his return to the rescue, but I was unable to find a place for him. He was very unhappy at my house with Thomas gone. He would scream, non-stop, for hours. It was stressing me out terribly, at an already stressful time in my life.
I had a friend come to my house to help me move his cage. Thomas refused to help out. He's basically checked out and has not been helpful at all. He's the one who destroyed the marriage, and I'm the one who's having to do most of the work now. It's just unfair and I can't wait until this is over and I can start my new life.
Here are some pictures of Rocky on his last day at my house:
In the carrier, about to leave for the last time:
I heard that he's doing OK up there. I will be up there tomorrow and I can see how he's doing. I feel terrible that this is what happened to him. Once again, he was just supposed to be a foster, and Thomas begged me to keep him back in 2006. I acquiesced, and now Thomas abandons us.
Rocky's a tough guy, and he's living near two other severe macaws. I'm hoping that his resiliency will serve him again until he can find a new home. I will update on his progress, perhaps with pictures.
I had a friend come to my house to help me move his cage. Thomas refused to help out. He's basically checked out and has not been helpful at all. He's the one who destroyed the marriage, and I'm the one who's having to do most of the work now. It's just unfair and I can't wait until this is over and I can start my new life.
Here are some pictures of Rocky on his last day at my house:
Rocky's a tough guy, and he's living near two other severe macaws. I'm hoping that his resiliency will serve him again until he can find a new home. I will update on his progress, perhaps with pictures.
Stella's last day at my house
Stella went to her new home last Saturday. She is in great hands -- I've received daily updates so far as to her progress. She is settling in well, making noises, and talking a bit. She is nicely stepping up and integrating well. I only hope that Beeps and Rocky will fare as well as she has.
I took some pictures on her last morning with me. She is just so adorable and I miss her terribly!
One of the last times that she and Max were near each other:
I'm trying not to be too hard on myself that I couldn't keep her, but I still feel as I failed her. She was just supposed to be a foster, and Thomas decided he couldn't live without her, so she bonded to us and then we disappoint her. It's just tearing me apart that Thomas's selfish and unreasonable actions have had far-reaching implications on these innocent creatures. Stella is one of the lucky ones as she's currently in a great home. I still can't believe that it's not mine.
I took some pictures on her last morning with me. She is just so adorable and I miss her terribly!
Sunday, 8 January 2012
A good day
I really will try to get some pictures up soon. Maybe even later tonight if I don't get caught up in a book!
I had a fantastic day today. I updated my resume -- something that I'd been putting off because Thomas had promised me that once I put him through medical school, I no longer had to work in my profession. I was excited to have the time to explore some hobbies, maybe go back to school, or spend time volunteering at or starting my own nonprofit. I upheld my end of the bargain, but six months out from him finishing after I supported him through applying for school, 4 years of school, 3 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship, he decided to no longer uphold his end of the bargain.
I went into my profession not because I was passionate about it, but because I had a talent for it and I knew I'd always be able to support myself. For many years, I thought I'd been foolish not to follow my passion since I'd married someone who was becoming a doctor. And now I found out that practicality won out after all.
Rocky and Stella are out of the house. Stella is in an amazing home. They have updated me as to how well she's adapting. Rocky does not currently have as happy of a story. This is the first night he'll be spending at the rescue where I volunteer. I had hoped to directly place him into a home, but his near-constant screaming meant that he and I were both extremely unhappy.
However, there are two female severe macaws up for adoption right now, so he's getting reacquainted with some of his own kind. I am hopeful that we'll find him a great home. (If anyone is willing to travel to the midwest and wants to adopt Rocky, let me know!)
I am listening to Tchaikovsky (if you have not heard his Violin Concerto in D, please do so soon!) and having a wonderful evening with the rest of the parrots.
Earlier in the day, I went to lunch and then shopping with my best friend and her family. This is someone that I neglected far too long due to Thomas's social issues that I had previously explained away or made excuses about.
I expect to have great days to come. Things might get a bit challenging as Thomas plans to return home on Wednesday. I believe that his mistress's husband is returning from a month away and will be moving back into their marital home . (Thomas has been living with his mistress for the majority of the past three weeks, except for the times when he said he wanted to try to reconcile with me and spent a night or two here before returning to her. Until I put a stop to that, realizing that I deserve to be no less than #1 in my partner's life.) Since we jointly own the house, I can't kick him out. He has nowhere else to go, and I can't leave since I can't trust him to properly care for the animals. At best, I can hope for a pleasant detente.
I will be blogging more regularly; sorry for the absence -- things were out of control, as was my mind! But I am confident of my decision and in a great place. I hope that everyone else had great weekends!
Thanks so much for your care and concern. I have collated all of your caring comments into a document and will read (and have been reading) them when I get down. I will be fine -- even better than before. It's pretty amazing what you can get used to (I was like a frog in boiling water!) that, with hindsight, was unacceptable.
I look forward to spending the next few months working on myself and hopefully finding the true love of my life in the future.
I had a fantastic day today. I updated my resume -- something that I'd been putting off because Thomas had promised me that once I put him through medical school, I no longer had to work in my profession. I was excited to have the time to explore some hobbies, maybe go back to school, or spend time volunteering at or starting my own nonprofit. I upheld my end of the bargain, but six months out from him finishing after I supported him through applying for school, 4 years of school, 3 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship, he decided to no longer uphold his end of the bargain.
I went into my profession not because I was passionate about it, but because I had a talent for it and I knew I'd always be able to support myself. For many years, I thought I'd been foolish not to follow my passion since I'd married someone who was becoming a doctor. And now I found out that practicality won out after all.
Rocky and Stella are out of the house. Stella is in an amazing home. They have updated me as to how well she's adapting. Rocky does not currently have as happy of a story. This is the first night he'll be spending at the rescue where I volunteer. I had hoped to directly place him into a home, but his near-constant screaming meant that he and I were both extremely unhappy.
However, there are two female severe macaws up for adoption right now, so he's getting reacquainted with some of his own kind. I am hopeful that we'll find him a great home. (If anyone is willing to travel to the midwest and wants to adopt Rocky, let me know!)
I am listening to Tchaikovsky (if you have not heard his Violin Concerto in D, please do so soon!) and having a wonderful evening with the rest of the parrots.
Earlier in the day, I went to lunch and then shopping with my best friend and her family. This is someone that I neglected far too long due to Thomas's social issues that I had previously explained away or made excuses about.
I expect to have great days to come. Things might get a bit challenging as Thomas plans to return home on Wednesday. I believe that his mistress's husband is returning from a month away and will be moving back into their marital home . (Thomas has been living with his mistress for the majority of the past three weeks, except for the times when he said he wanted to try to reconcile with me and spent a night or two here before returning to her. Until I put a stop to that, realizing that I deserve to be no less than #1 in my partner's life.) Since we jointly own the house, I can't kick him out. He has nowhere else to go, and I can't leave since I can't trust him to properly care for the animals. At best, I can hope for a pleasant detente.
I will be blogging more regularly; sorry for the absence -- things were out of control, as was my mind! But I am confident of my decision and in a great place. I hope that everyone else had great weekends!
Thanks so much for your care and concern. I have collated all of your caring comments into a document and will read (and have been reading) them when I get down. I will be fine -- even better than before. It's pretty amazing what you can get used to (I was like a frog in boiling water!) that, with hindsight, was unacceptable.
I look forward to spending the next few months working on myself and hopefully finding the true love of my life in the future.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Another update
I can't believe that so much time has passed since my last update. I think that had I been updating about the divorce on a near real-time basis, it may have come across as if I were the crazy one. Thomas kept changing his mind from one day to the next about whether he wanted to try to work things out with me or stay with his mistress, and I didn't really know what I wanted either.
Since he knows about the blog, I think it's probably best if I don't go into too many details here until after the divorce is final, if at all. Suffice it to say that earlier this week I took the decision out of his hands and told him that I was done. I am no one's second choice, and after some of his actions earlier this week, I realized that I could never trust him again.
My biggest concern is with my animals. When we adopted each one, I really thought that they were in their forever home. It breaks my heart that Thomas's selfishness will make that not happen. Worse, he's the one who wanted to make most of the adoptions permanent instead of the fosters they were originally supposed to be, and then he leaves me with the mess to clean up. Currently, all of the animals are still at home, but that won't be true 24 hours from now.
Stella's new family comes to pick her up tomorrow afternoon. It's a great home, and I know she'll be very happy there. I'll get frequent updates, and she'll be living with another CAG and a severe macaw. I'll be sad to lose her, but I don't worry about her at all.
Basil will be going back to his owners sometime this month. We are trying to finalize schedules.
Rocky was scheduled to go up to the rescue earlier this week, but Thomas convinced me to keep him at home because Thomas planned on staying home to see if we could make our marriage work. That lasted less than two days and he's back living with his mistress while her husband is out of town. Of course that means that Rocky is screaming nearly non-stop again and raising the stress level in the house. I am going to get him up to the rescue as quickly as I can; probably early next week. I will continue to look for a home for him while he's there, but it will not be easy since he's such a challenge.
My boss is going to take the fish in my tank, so we will move those over early next week.
I have a couple of leads on where Andreas, my uromastyx lizard, can go.
Max and Calypso will stay with me, though they may have to temporarily live with my parents until I am in a stable living situation.
That leaves Beeps. He can stay at the house for a while until we figure out what to do. Worst case, he goes up to the rescue as well. At different times, Thomas has said that he'd take him, but he has proven to be untrustworthy and later changes his mind, so who knows what will happen. I know that in the comments, someone expressed an interest in him. When I feel up to it, I will contact you to see if it might work.
I know that I haven't been updating here, responding to e-mails, phone calls, or texts. I apologize, but I just can't seem to find the energy. This is the most stressful thing I've ever had to deal with. There is so much uncertainty and unpleasant work in my future -- rehoming the animals, finding a job, finding an apartment, moving, selling the house, working out the divorce settlement, etc.
I am overwhelmed. My friends have been great, and I have been taking them up on going out as much as I can. I am forcing myself to go out at least twice a week to do things. It's tough because all I want to do is curl up in bed, read self-help books, and try to make sense of what's happening to me.
I think that my blog will take on a very different look over the next few months. Obviously less about the parrots, since I won't have as many, and more about turning the chaos that currently is my life into something even better than it was before.
I do have some pictures/stories about the parrots on my camera that I will post when I can. I just haven't felt up to it. It's all happened so quickly -- in just over a month. Taking 13 years of hopes, dreams, and plans, and having them squashed in 30 days is exhausting.
I hope to start posting on a more regular basis, but I guess it depends on how I feel. Thanks for being there and for caring. I know I will get through this; it will just take time. I'm already feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago. I do think that ultimately I will be better off without Thomas in my life. He put on a good front for over a decade, but ultimately, he could no longer hide who he really was. It's too bad that he had to hurt so many of us in the process.
I will be taking time to be alone, reflect on things, and emerge happier than ever. Hopefully that will be reflected here over the next few months! I believe that once I get a job lined up and am in a new apartment, it will be easier to move on. While I don't want to wish my life away, I wish it were a year from now and this pain could all be in the past.
Since he knows about the blog, I think it's probably best if I don't go into too many details here until after the divorce is final, if at all. Suffice it to say that earlier this week I took the decision out of his hands and told him that I was done. I am no one's second choice, and after some of his actions earlier this week, I realized that I could never trust him again.
My biggest concern is with my animals. When we adopted each one, I really thought that they were in their forever home. It breaks my heart that Thomas's selfishness will make that not happen. Worse, he's the one who wanted to make most of the adoptions permanent instead of the fosters they were originally supposed to be, and then he leaves me with the mess to clean up. Currently, all of the animals are still at home, but that won't be true 24 hours from now.
Stella's new family comes to pick her up tomorrow afternoon. It's a great home, and I know she'll be very happy there. I'll get frequent updates, and she'll be living with another CAG and a severe macaw. I'll be sad to lose her, but I don't worry about her at all.
Basil will be going back to his owners sometime this month. We are trying to finalize schedules.
Rocky was scheduled to go up to the rescue earlier this week, but Thomas convinced me to keep him at home because Thomas planned on staying home to see if we could make our marriage work. That lasted less than two days and he's back living with his mistress while her husband is out of town. Of course that means that Rocky is screaming nearly non-stop again and raising the stress level in the house. I am going to get him up to the rescue as quickly as I can; probably early next week. I will continue to look for a home for him while he's there, but it will not be easy since he's such a challenge.
My boss is going to take the fish in my tank, so we will move those over early next week.
I have a couple of leads on where Andreas, my uromastyx lizard, can go.
Max and Calypso will stay with me, though they may have to temporarily live with my parents until I am in a stable living situation.
That leaves Beeps. He can stay at the house for a while until we figure out what to do. Worst case, he goes up to the rescue as well. At different times, Thomas has said that he'd take him, but he has proven to be untrustworthy and later changes his mind, so who knows what will happen. I know that in the comments, someone expressed an interest in him. When I feel up to it, I will contact you to see if it might work.
I know that I haven't been updating here, responding to e-mails, phone calls, or texts. I apologize, but I just can't seem to find the energy. This is the most stressful thing I've ever had to deal with. There is so much uncertainty and unpleasant work in my future -- rehoming the animals, finding a job, finding an apartment, moving, selling the house, working out the divorce settlement, etc.
I am overwhelmed. My friends have been great, and I have been taking them up on going out as much as I can. I am forcing myself to go out at least twice a week to do things. It's tough because all I want to do is curl up in bed, read self-help books, and try to make sense of what's happening to me.
I think that my blog will take on a very different look over the next few months. Obviously less about the parrots, since I won't have as many, and more about turning the chaos that currently is my life into something even better than it was before.
I do have some pictures/stories about the parrots on my camera that I will post when I can. I just haven't felt up to it. It's all happened so quickly -- in just over a month. Taking 13 years of hopes, dreams, and plans, and having them squashed in 30 days is exhausting.
I hope to start posting on a more regular basis, but I guess it depends on how I feel. Thanks for being there and for caring. I know I will get through this; it will just take time. I'm already feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago. I do think that ultimately I will be better off without Thomas in my life. He put on a good front for over a decade, but ultimately, he could no longer hide who he really was. It's too bad that he had to hurt so many of us in the process.
I will be taking time to be alone, reflect on things, and emerge happier than ever. Hopefully that will be reflected here over the next few months! I believe that once I get a job lined up and am in a new apartment, it will be easier to move on. While I don't want to wish my life away, I wish it were a year from now and this pain could all be in the past.
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