In which Max is loving

Sometimes Max is so wonderful!

Actually, most of the time. I am really lucky to have such a fabulous parrot.

Tonight, she was on her stand and I was at the table.  She flew down to request head pets.  How could I deny her?

And a wonderful bonding experience resulted:

I am very careful to stick to her head, so that I don't send her improper signals!

I really hope that everyone feels this way about their own parrots, but I feel so lucky with mine.  They weathered losing one of their owners with grace and strength.  They are as happy and wonderful as ever.  In just a few months, I will have had Max longer than I will have been married!  Having this amazing bond with such a sensitive, wonderful creature humbles me.  I pity Thomas, who so easily gave her up.  What could he possibly have been thinking?

Mid-September Update

Hello my dear blog friends,

Yet again, a month has gone by with very few posts and very few pictures taken. I intend to get back to a more normal posting schedule soon, but I've been intending to do so for months now! In any case, please do not take my silence for despair or sadness; on the contrary, things are great!

I think part of me didn't want to post because Thomas knows about the blog and I didn't want him knowing what's going on with my life. But then I realized that he just doesn't care. It kind of boggles my mind, but it's true.  He is never going to check the blog, because we are all dead to him.  So I can write whatever I want!

During one of the last times I had to speak with him, about selling the house (It's final and sold!) I mentioned that Rocky had been adopted and asked if he wanted to know about his new family, and he flat out said no, that he didn't care.

I'm not sure if this is false bravado after realizing that he's lost the only beings who ever loved him (me, my family, and the parrots) or if he really doesn't care, but I'm leaning toward the latter.  I've done a ton of reading on people with personality disorders, so I can understand, on an intellectual level, what is going on with him, but it's still hard for me to really understand what it's like to live that way.

In any case, after making that realization, I now feel safe to post.

The parrots are all doing extremely well.  My job is more demanding of my time, so I don't have as much time to spend with them as I'd like, but they are adjusting.

Here's a picture of Calypso, when he went from his stand to the plant that was next to his stand.  Luckily for him, it is perch-like as I did a bad job of rotating it so it didn't grow evenly!

Max is as sweet as ever.  She loves wandering around the house, looking for me.  She's kind of like a dog that way.  I figure it's good exercise for her, and since it's just me in the house, I don't have to worry about her getting stepped on.  Usually she flies, so she can land on my arm, but sometimes she walks.

Here she is after a bath a couple of days ago.  My mom and I were painting, and Max decided to keep us company.

As for me, work is going really, really well.  Long hours, but I knew that going in.  When Thomas left us just as I'd finished paying for him to go to medical school, right before he was to start actually contributing to the household, and just after I found out I was losing my well-paying job, I was a bit worried about what kind of job I'd be able to find and how I'd be able to support us, since cheaper places wouldn't allow birds.  I am happy to say that I have landed on my feet.  I will most likely buy a house in the spring, and I can't wait to make it all mine!  And the parrots', of course!

I love our new neighborhood!  I can go weeks without using my car, as I usually walk or take the bus to work, and grocery shopping, many of my friends, and tons of things to do are within a half mile of my apartment.  My bike is currently being fixed up, and then I will become a bicycle commuter.  I can't wait!

I have been dating a bit -- a lot of bad first dates -- I will have to relay some of the stories here in the future.  But I've recently met someone who is a bit promising.  It's still really early on, but we laugh for hours, have tons in common, and he is super good-looking!  And he lives less than a mile from me! 

The last 7 or so years of my marriage, I can't remember Thomas complimenting me.  Medical school, residency, and fellowship changed him.  He'd tell me I was fat (I'm a size 4), or that I was ugly and looked like a man (not true) -- which I laughed off as I thought he was joking.  But now I think that he was serious and trying to make me unhappy because he is a fundamentally unhappy person and misery loves company.  It's so great to be around friends and family that are so nice to me!  I was trying to think of the last time someone was mean to me, and I couldn't remember.  It had to have been Thomas, but it's so insignificant now that I can't even remember the specific incident.

Sometimes I get angry at myself for staying in a bad marriage for so long.  I thought I was happy, and I didn't recognize it as a bad marriage.  Why did I not realize when I was being verbally and emotionally abused?  My therapist told me it was like I was in a one-man cult, and I'm such a happy, positive person that I didn't let it get me down.  But that I have to be very careful in recognizing red flags and acting on them so that I don't waste more years in another terrible relationship, with someone who doesn't deserve me.  I have done so much reading and introspection, and I'm glad that I got out when I was young enough to create a new, wonderful life for myself.

Anyway, by putting this out on the blog, I am hoping to start regular posting again.  I love being able to go back throughout the years and see what I was doing this time of year in 2009, for example, and the future me will probably be upset with the present me for not writing regularly!

Rocky got adopted

Yes, it may seem like a miracle to anyone who knows of him, but Rocky got adopted!

I have been in contact with his new family, and they love him very much.  He is acclimating well.  They also have a yellow-collared macaw, and the two of them (Rocky and the other mini) have been preening each other.  This is fantastic news, as Rocky always seemed like he wanted to befriend another parrot, but the other birds at my house were not interested.

Stella is also doing well -- I get frequent updates from her new family.  She is also very loved and doing very well.

Thomas still does not care about any of us.  The house should sell next week, and then I will basically have no contact with him, which is apparently what he wanted all along.

As for the three that are with me, they are doing very well.  Calypso has blossomed so much, it's like he's a different bird.  Beeps and Max have adapted to having me as their only human.

I know I keep saying that I will post more, but I have trouble figuring out what this blog should be.  Still mostly about the parrots?  (With the loss of Rocky, there is not as much to report!)  Dating in my 30s? (Frustrating, to say the least!) My life, navigating a completely different one than I'd been planning for the past 11 years?

Right now, my three remaining parrots (Max, Calypso, and Beeps) and I are listening to music on youtube and having a dance party:



This song has given me so much strength throughout the ordeal. I frequently repeat lines to myself, especially about how she had to go through so much war to get where she is today.  That is what my life has become.

Another personal update

Time is yet again flying by, and more than a month has passed since my last blog entry.  I just can't believe it!  It's now been over 6 months since I found out about Thomas's infidelity and my entire life changed.

Our divorce was final last month.  The day itself was terrible.  I think that part of me had hoped, until it was final, that he would finally realize what he'd done and do anything to make it right and for us to get back together.  Being in court made me realize that would be impossible.

Since then (it's been about 3 weeks now), I've felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  I am still sad about the way things turned out -- I feel like I wasted over a decade of my life -- but starting to get more excited about my new life.  I haven't even wanted to cry since then, whereas the month or so before the divorce, it felt like that's all I was doing.

Max, Calypso, Beeps, Andreas, and I are mostly settled into our new apartment.  We've been here almost three months now!  Our house is on the market, and there's been some interest, though no offers yet.  Thomas leaves next month for his new job which is in a city about three hours away from us.

I found out I was losing my job right before Thomas confessed his affair, which added to my stress.  However, I have found a very interesting new job -- have been there about 7 weeks now -- which is perfect in every respect except for the longish hours and inability to do personal things (like e-mail and blog) on my work computer.

All in all, it's been a very interesting, and mostly good, few months.  I am trying to look at being single again as a great opportunity to take a look at my life, decide what changes need to be made, and become a happier person.  I've found great solace in my family and friends, who have really stepped up and have been unbelievable support during this terrible time.

I still get regular updates on Basil, Stella, and Rocky.  The first two are doing really well in their homes, and Rocky appears to be happy at the rescue.  He's still looking for a home, and he's so difficult that he might stay at the rescue for quite some time until the right home can be found.  I had hopes that Thomas would take him, but even though he could more than afford to buy a house in his new city where this would be possible, he rented an apartment with a no pets clause.

I've still been running, and last month took first in my age group in an ultramarathon (3rd female overall -- a couple of 20-somethings beat me!) I have a few races scheduled in the upcoming months, and have been training.

I've had trouble finding enough time to paint, but I will get back to it soon, now that things are settling down a bit more at work.  I have no air conditioning, so it's been way too hot to knit, though I have projects lined up for when it cools down again.

I haven't been very good at taking pictures -- I just went through what was on my camera and they were all minute-long videos of my parrots that probably no one else would find interesting, so I'm not going to post them.  I will try to get some new parrot material soon!

Hope everyone has had a great 2012 so far!

Update

Has it really been nearly a month since I have posted?  Time really flies!  My divorce will be final in about two and a half weeks.  There have been so many twists and turns in this process, that I am somewhat surprised that I have not ended up institutionalized and have (mostly) managed to hold it all together.  Maybe someday I will write more of what happened here, but my friends who know most of the story have told me that I should write a lightly fictionalized story of what happened and have said it would be a best seller as truth is stranger than fiction!  Or maybe I should pitch it to Lifetime.  In any case, the past five months have been so strange and something I never thought I'd experience in my life.

I will post some parrot updates after this, but I have been at my new job for almost three weeks now.  It's a big adjustment.  Thomas had always promised me that if I supported him through med school, once he was done, I would no longer have to work a full-time, demanding job and could do nonprofit work or possibly go back to school.  I held up my end of the bargain, but when it came time for him to finally contribute financially, he bailed.  Because of the divorce laws in the state where I reside, I was taken to the cleaners.  If you look up "chump" in the dictionary, you will see my picture.  He will live high on the hog because of my hard work over the past 11 years.

He apparently feels no shame after effectively stealing several hundred thousand dollars from me over the course of our relationship -- money I thought I was investing in our future but, as it turns out, was investing only in his future.

I probably sound bitter, but I am trying to console myself with the fact that he needs to live with himself after how poorly he treated me, and I am young enough to rebuild and live the life I deserve.  Hopefully you will be able to witness this transition on the blog!

The parrots are doing well, though it's an adjustment for them as well.  They were used to me being home more frequently.  My current job requires that I be away from home close to 11 hours a day, which isn't fair to them.  I try very hard to still get them out for several hours a day and to spend quality time with them, but life for them isn't what they thought it would be, either.

Nevertheless, we solider on, trying to make the best of a terrible situation.  We still can't believe what Thomas did to us, and how he treated all of us after such dedication to him.  Personally, I am enjoying my freedom and trying to make the best life I can for myself and for the parrots.  Only time will tell as to how successful this endeavor will be!

I am going to try to update more frequently, and to take pictures more frequently.  I am in the process of adjusting to my new job, and usually spend my days working, eating, and sleeping, but I should try to continue to document the parrots.  We will get through this, and we will be stronger than ever!

Another personal update

Things are going well on the personal front.  I have rented an apartment in a trendy part of town where lots of singles live.  It's also about 2 miles away from work (so I can take the bus and frequently walk home!) and very close to amazing running.  I have several friends who live less than half a mile away from my new place, so I am very excited about my upcoming life!

Perhaps the best part of my new apartment (pictures in a few weeks!) is that I am allowed, and it is big enough, for me to keep my three remaining parrots and my lizard!  So, Max, Calypso, Beeps, and Andreas will be staying with me.  (Thomas said he'd like to keep Max but he won't fight me for her.  I am keeping her!)  This is fantastic news as when Thomas broke the news about his infidelity, I feared the worst and thought I might need to rehome almost everyone.

It's a little over 100 years old, so it has gorgeous wood floors, built-in bookshelves, and lots of other charming accents.  I can't wait!

This past week, I completed my first original painting.  It was inspired by a picture that a friend took: trees silhouetted against a sunset.

First, I painted the sunset:

And then I added the trees:

I have no talent, but painting is so much fun!  I highly recommend it to everyone!  It is so peaceful to put paint to the canvas.  I put on some music or a lecture and I paint away.

The parrots are nearby on perches, watching me.

Max had recently taken a bath:

Since Max was on his cage, Beeps flew over to a stand:

Calypso was out, too, but I didn't take a picture of him.

I never would have thought that this is the turn my life would have taken, but I am looking at it as an opportunity to explore new interests, reconnect with friends and family, make new friends, and really live life to the fullest.  What other hobbies or interests might I pick up?  Who knows?

I can get into my new apartment on March 17.  I'm not sure when I will fully move in as I don't start my new job until April 16.  I know I keep saying this, but I plan to update the blog more regularly now that life is settling into a new routine.  I have a painting almost done that I hope to showcase tomorrow!

Another personal update - no pictures

Today was one of the best days that I've had in a long time.

Yesterday, I had an interview at my dream job with two of the mid-level people.  As I arrived home after, I got a phone call asking me if I would come in tomorrow (i.e. today) for a third and final interview with three senior people.  Of course I said yes!

The interview went so well.  These are people who are extremely well-known and respected in their field.  The company is one that I've looked up to for a long time.  They are consistently ranked as one of the top employers in the country.  They support all of the arts groups in the community and are very supportive of their employees doing philanthropic work (which means I can leave work early to attend my monthly nonprofit board meetings.)  It's as though the job had been created with my personality, experience, and skills in mind.

I thought the interview went well, but you never know what is going to happen.  As I was driving home, I received a voicemail from the woman who will be my boss.  She said that I "hit the ball out of the park" and repeated some compliments that the head of the department said about me.  I saved that voicemail so I can listen to it again!  She wanted to let me know that they are working on a formal job offer but hope that I will join their team!

I cannot convey how excited I am about this!  This is the next step in my new beginning.  Now that I have secured permanent employment, I can start looking for an apartment and truly begin my new life.  I have not been so happy in years.

Later, I had a hair appointment scheduled.  Since we were scrimping to try to pay off Thomas's student loans (and look how that backfired on me!), I usually just went to a cheap place for haircuts.  I went to a fancy salon based on the recommendation of one of my (gorgeous, stylish) friends.  It was so amazing and not that much more expensive than the cheap place.  I don't know why I haven't gone here for years!

What a good day, you might say.  But there is more!

When I got home, I found my art supplies waiting for me!  I didn't have time tonight to start, but this weekend, I hope to produce a painting.

And still more!

Then, I was looking on craigslist for apartments.  I want something that will allow me to keep the three parrots, has in-building laundry, and has dedicated parking.  And I might have found where I'm going to live!  This luxury condo is well within my price range, the landlord loves parrots, has dedicated in-unit laundry, and heated, assigned parking.  Can things get any better than this?  I have an appointment Sunday afternoon to see the place.

ETA: this apartment also has a sunroom and a balcony which I imagine the parrots will love.  Plus bike storage, a HUGE walk-in closet, and so much more!  And it's only 1.5 miles from work, so I can walk most days.  Yay!

Wow.  Just last month I was in the depths of despair because of Thomas's revelation, but I now realize that this might be one of the best things to ever happen to me!  Amazing how things can turn so quickly!

Personal update

On a personal note, I am doing really well.  I continue to connect more with friends and family.  Usually, I forget to take pictures!  Last week, I went to a coffee shop to see my friend play in a band:

The next night, we went to a painting evening.  We had a teacher who showed us how to reproduce a famous painting.  In this case, we did Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss."  It's not an exact reproduction, but more of an homage.  My friend's was the best of the bunch; mine was just in good fun, but now it's hanging on my wall:

This got me really interested in painting.  I always wished that I was an artist, like so many of my friends (Mary, Shannon, I'm looking at you!)  This got me very excited, so I have decided to take up a new hobby.  Today online, I purchased several canvases, brushes, paint, and a palate, and I look forward to painting.  Hopefully next week!

This ordeal has taught me that who knows what life is going to throw my way, but that I will be OK, no matter what happens.  The parrots and I had a fun dance party tonight and we are looking forward to tomorrow!  I have been terrible at catching up on blogs, but I hope to do so soon, and you are all in my thoughts!!!

Clingy caiques

The caiques continue their clingy ways.  Max has, too, though I don't have any pictures of her.  I suspect they can sense things aren't right with Thomas, so they are seeking reassurance from someone that actually loves them.

The problem with clingy caiques is that they don't really get along, but if they are both near me, they are rather close to each other, which means they have to be on alert and maybe attack each other.  I do my best to keep them as separated as possible!

Calypso, on the table (he had been eating my breakfast right before I took this picture) and Beeps, on my lap:

And Beeps, again on my lap.  I find it is pretty safe to keep him here as he's a bit lower so Max and Calypso have a harder time trying to get him.  He has been so incredibly loving lately, I really am going to try to find a place that will allow me to keep him as well.

I hope that once we get into an apartment and establish a new normal, they will go back to being more independent.  It was really tough cooking tonight when Beeps kept flying to me and the others were walking around, pecking at my feet, and begging to be picked up!

I feel like I should give a personal update at the end of each entry for the foreseeable future.  Things continue to go well.  My best friend and I went to dinner yesterday and then saw the movie Anonymous.  It was only $1 for the show!  And it was a really good movie.  Of course, I love historical fiction films that take place in Tudor England so I am biased.  Tonight, I met my dad for a college basketball game at his alma mater.  Unfortunately, they lost, but we had a great time.  My divorce is resulting in much more bonding with my family and friends!

On the job front, there has been an interesting development with the job that I talked about earlier that said they wanted to go in a different direction.  The second in command called my recruiter and said she wanted to talk to me about possibly taking the position even though her boss thought I didn't have enough supervisory experience.  Isn't that strange?  I don't know what will happen, but I'll update here.  How can the second in command go behind the first in command's back?  I wasn't very high on this job in the first place, and I refuse to be anyone second choice (see: my marriage) but I will listen to what she had to say.  I had a phone interview yesterday and I have one tomorrow.  The one tomorrow is with a company that I'm super excited about, so hopefully all goes well.

And, in somewhat exciting news, I have a date on Thursday!  It is my first first date since 1998!  I know it's probably too early to date, but he knows I'm not interested in anything serious.  He's a friend of a friend and we've been exchanging e-mails for a few days.  We get along really well via e-mail so we're going for coffee Thursday evening.

Countdown: only 4 more nights under the same roof as Thomas and since he was already in bed when I came home tonight, I'm not sure I should count tonight, which brings us to 3.  It's so close!!!  The negative energy of the dark cloud of doom and gloom has only limited time remaining here.

Investigating the cabinet and personal update

Things are slowly attaining a new normal here at home.  Thomas does not move until until next weekend, but he's barely spending any time at home.  We are all happy about that!  It's truly amazing how much happier everyone is when he's not around.  His negative attitude was so pervasive and we'd gotten used to it, so having him gone is like a breath of fresh air!

Max was wandering around the counter last week, and climbed up on my honey to investigate a bit.  Under the cabinet:

Thomas's coffee bean grinder:

Back to under the cabinet:

It's been several days, and she hasn't been back, so she must have gotten her fill that day!

Personally, I am just amazed at how well things are going.  I went to therapy last week, and my therapist told me I'm such a "glass half full" person which is how I survived so many years with Thomas and didn't even realize anything was amiss.  She said that if I were in a concentration camp, I'd find ways to rationalize why it wasn't that bad!  Which is un-PC, but it really drove the point home to me.  I need to work on trusting my gut more and not being so quick to justify the actions of people who treat me poorly.

I've been thinking about trying to keep Beeps.  Since Thomas has been gone, his behavior has improved markedly.  He's been extremely loving, following me around the house.  I think it would be hasty for me to rehome him now.  I'd thought about rehoming him since he didn't seem to be that bonded to me compared to Max and Calypso, but I realize he just shows his feelings in a different way.  I'm hoping I can find an apartment that will allow me to keep my three remaining parrots.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week, which was probably a blessing in disguise since I didn't really want to work there, but I do want to get a job so I can get an apartment near work and start my new life!  The problem is the timing.  Due to severance and bonus due to me, I need to stay at my current job until the end of March.  Many places don't know what openings they'll have April 1, and the ones with current openings aren't willing to wait so long to hire me.  However, every day gets us one day closer to when they would consider hiring for April.  Until then, I stay in the house.

I had another full weekend.  Thomas was so antisocial that he insisted I not befriend our neighbors.  I waved and we were superficially friendly, but that was it.  (Not surprisingly, Thomas never waved, which they remarked upon!)  Last Friday, I told her what was going on so that she wouldn't be surprised when a "For sale" sign went up at our house.  They invited me over for dinner Friday night, and we had a fantastic time!  I have so much in common with them.  We discussed the animals that inhabit our yards (they were watching the squirrel with no tail as well) and our travels -- we'd been to many of the same places, like Turkey.  They invited me to go kayaking with them, and it's possible we will forge a friendship that survives my move.  What a waste that we lived next to them for over 5 years and only when I'm moving is when we become friendly.

On Saturday, I went out with friends and had a fantastic evening.  Today, I went running with my normal group and then rushed home to get ready.  I met my family for a classic movie (Hitchcock's Rear Window) and then a late lunch/early dinner.  I have movie plans with a friend tomorrow night (A historical thriller from Tudor times - Anonymous) and am going to an NCAA basketball game with my dad again on Tuesday evening.  My goal had been to go out at least two times per week so that I didn't sit home feeling sorry for myself, and I've exceeded that.  Not sure I'll be able to keep going at this pace, but it's been a lot of fun.  I have many years of missed outings to make up for!

Butternut squash and the parrots

One of the things I'm really looking forward to as a single person is experimenting more with cooking. Thomas was so strange and didn't really like to try new things. He was also very critical when I'd try something and it didn't work out. With me and the parrots as my only critic now, I can't lose!

Yesterday, I decided I'd better use up a butternut squash I'd had for a few weeks:

I may have to see if I can get this frozen instead.  It's a lot of work to turn the above into the below!

I modified a recipe I found online.  It needs some more work, but I was pretty excited out the first try.  Once I get it better, I'll post the recipe.

Another exciting thing about being single is that what used to be a meal for one evening now becomes three meals!  This will be helpful if I need to bring lunch at my next job.

Ready to serve it up:

I got some ringing endorsements:

Back for more:

It appears that all that squash makes her thirsty for some water:

Beeps had some as well, but he's become extremely camera-aggressive, so I let him eat his dinner in peace!  Max and Calypso have been hanging out with me in the kitchen while Beeps keeps to himself in the living room mostly.

Yesterday, someone asked about Beeps.  I am still looking for a home for him, but I haven't actually done anything other than think about it!  I need to get going, but sometimes it's hard to motivate myself.  I will try to contact the person who said earlier this month they might be interested in him to see if it might work.  He's such a great guy, it just makes me so sad to think about losing him as well.

I had a meeting tonight.  I am the volunteer treasurer of a nonprofit nature organization.  In months past, Thomas would make a big deal out of me being gone in the evening, so these meetings became extremely stressful for me, even though I strongly believe in the cause.  It was so peaceful today on the drive home to know that I would only be met with the happy whistles and exclamations of the parrots!

And, the parrots didn't disappoint.  I was so devastated when I found out about the affair, but I am starting to realize that this might be one of the best things that could have happened.  Of course I am sad about the animals that I am rehoming.  They will stay in my heart forever and I hope to keep tabs on them for the rest of their lives.  Perhaps our paths will cross again in the future.  Until then, I know that much happiness awaits me and I am so excited to start my new life!

My update

Personally, things are going really well for me.  I don't think I realized the underlying stress I had with living with Thomas.  I thought I was happy, but that's just because I'm a positive person.  I've realized that the dark cloud of doom and gloom affected me more than I thought.  Everyone is remarking on how good and happy I am now.

Today, I was reminded of an example of this.  I was running with someone that I'd only met 4-5 times before.  It was quite icy, and I fell down.  Immediately, he stopped, helped me up, and made sure I was OK.  You know, normal, pleasant behavior.

Last year, Thomas and I were running quite a bit together since we were training for several marathons and a 50 mile race.  On three separate occasions, I slipped and fell on the ice.  Every time, he yelled at me for being so irresponsible as to fall on the ice.  These tirades were laced with expletives about how stupid I was since I knew it was icy, so why wasn't I more careful?  He even asked me for the house key as he was just going to go on without me and I could make it home on my own and he'd open the door for me.  He never once stopped to see if I was OK -- he just kept on running, and only came back when I asked him to, and then just to yell at me.  Once I thought I might have broken something and wasn't sure I could get up, but he just yelled at me for being melodramatic and didn't help at all.

When a relative stranger is nicer to you than your own husband, that's a sign that something is wrong!

I think I just put up with it because we were married and I am a loyal person.  Divorce never even entered my mind; I just made excuses for him.  His true "excuse" is that he's a narcissist and sociopath who has no conscience or regard for anyone else.  That's why he is able to leave the parrots so easily.  He never really cared about them or me -- it was all just an act.

Although I am sad that I wasted over 13 years of my life with him, I am glad that I got out relatively unscathed and early enough that I can still have a great life.  Also, since we don't have kids, I never have to see him again once the divorce is final (late May) and the house is sold.  I can't wait!

Things are progressing on all fronts.  I had a successful first interview last week and I meet with the CFO tomorrow.  If all goes well, it's possible I'll have a job offer by the end of the week!  Once I have a job, I can get an apartment near work and move out so that I can start my new life.

We have to sell our house, and at a party on Friday night, I met a really nice guy (I'd met him briefly a few times before) who happens to be a realtor!  He also lives in my town, so we're going to get together to run a few times while I still live here and he's going to sell our house.  He did tell me that he wanted to punch Thomas in the gut for how he treated me, so I will have that mental image with me when they meet :)  I know he'll act professionally and restrain himself from violence.

I spent yesterday with my parents and sister, and we had a wonderful, stress-free visit.

I thought that without having to cater to Thomas, I'd have more time on evenings and weekends to do things like catch up on blog reading, catch up on book reading, etc.  However, my social calendar is filling so much that I find I have even less time than before!  I'm not sure if this will continue, but it's nice while it lasts.

I hope that everyone reading has been having a nice time as well.  I am so excited about my future!

Updates on all who have been displaced due to my impending divorce

I have updates on everyone who has had to leave my house due to my impending divorce.  In order of their departure:

Stella is doing amazingly well.  Her vets visited her at home last week as they are friends with her owner and they just love her.  She is very lucky to have gone to an amazing home.  She is loved by her owners, by her flockmates (especially the severe macaw!), by her vets, by everyone!

Here is a picture of her on her new kitchen counter.  Isn't she as gorgeous as ever?

Rocky is up at the rescue, but doing really well.  He enjoys all of the activity and rarely screams.  He comes out on his stick and steps up for most people (still not me, though -- I must use a stick!)  He lives next to a female severe macaw, and the two of them have stuck up a friendship through their cages.

He sings, talks, and is having a great time.  What a resilient guy!  I hope to get him in a home soon, but severe macaws are difficult to place, so I'm glad he's somewhere where I can keep an eye on him until we find the right home.

A few pictures:

Basil went home yesterday.  He was supposed to be a foster, but then we were going to keep him since he fit in so well.  The plan is for him to come back to me someday once I have a house.  His family is so glad to have him back, though!

He remembered them and fit right back into the routine -- yelling at their dog "Bad dog!" and sharing meals with the family.  They've promised to update me regularly on him, but his transition was basically seamless since he's going back to his old cage, routine, etc.

Of course I miss everyone at home, but knowing that they are happy is a burden off of my shoulders.

Sunday

Sunday morning did not start out well.  I'd been able to avoid Thomas most of the weekend, as I stayed in my room until he left to run in the morning and he'd left for work by the time I got back from my run.  Additionally, he was out on dates with his married mistress at night, so I was back in my room by the time he got home.  The dark cloud of doom and gloom was still present in my life, but not overpowering.

And then Sunday morning happened.

Unfortunately, I was unable to avoid him as he'd gotten up later than usual to run and I had committed to volunteer at a race.  I stayed in my room until the last possible minute, but went downstairs to eat and get ready and he was still home.

Things were not openly hostile until he went to leave and saw that I'd left the key in the front door when I'd gotten back from my run the day before.  This is obviously not ideal, but we live in a very safe place and nothing had happened.  Also, he's done this dozens of times over the years and I just take out the key and don't say anything.  Obviously, it was a mistake.  In this exchange, the swear words that I will abbreviate were actual words coming from him.  Plus there were lots more peppered in -- you get the idea.

Thomas: Do you know who left the key in the front door?

Me: It must have been me since I was the last one home from running yesterday.  Sorry; it was an oversight.

T: I don't understand why you left the key in the front door?

Me: It was an accident.  I was cold and tired after a long run.  I didn't mean to.

T: Why the F did you leave the key in the door?  Are you trying to get me killed?  How can you be so irresponsible?  (More yelling/complaining/swearing/blaming,etc.)

Finally, I left my breakfast and went into the bathroom until he left.

Later that evening, when he got home, he was congratulating himself on realizing that I was upset because he's trying to be more empathetic.  Of course he wasn't hostile at all; he was just trying to let me know that I'd left the key in the door so that I don't do it again; excuses and more narcissistic excuses.  What a wonderful guy!

Now that the blinders are off, I am realizing more and more what a jerk he is.  People had been telling me for years that he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me (even some comments on the blog -- you guys are perceptive!), but I didn't believe them.  Now I can see the truth and am remember many incidents from the past where he was abusive.  I always made excuses for him -- he was tired from work, sore from his arthritis, he had a bad childhood, etc.

He should be out of the house by the end of the month, and our divorce should be final by the end of May.  I can't wait to be done with him!  I just don't understand why he's being hostile to me.  I was loyal and a great wife -- even he admits that.  He's the one who had an affair (with someone who could be a clone of his mom) and destroyed our marriage.  You'd think he'd be apologetic or at least happy since he's getting what he wants.  Instead, he's ramped up his abuse of me.

After that upsetting exchange, I went to my volunteer position, where I had a great time as I was assigned as a sentry with one of my friends.  We had to make sure that runners went the right way along the course:

It was held at a zoo, so this was our long-range view of the closest enclosure:

Zoomed in: a pacing cheetah.  Probably jealous of everyone running by!  I've done this race before, and the deer/moose get so excited.  They start circling their enclosures and running with the racers.

After our volunteer shift was over, my friend and I went for our run.  I don't even want to think what my mental state would be right now without exercise.

I am doing really well.  I will be doing much better once these things are complete: getting a job, getting an apartment, moving to the new apartment.  And I will be wonderful once these additional things are complete: selling the house, completing the divorce, never seeing Thomas again.

I'm still trying to figure out why I put up with his bad behavior for so long.  I suspect that he has a combination of antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.  I do know that I was frequently embarrassed by his behavior around other people.  Why didn't I do something earlier?  Would I have lived like this forever had he not had an affair?  I thought I was happy (I have a high happiness baseline) but can I be even happier?

My new life is beckoning!  I am changing back to my maiden name, and I've signed up for several races using my real name.  I also called the art museum to see if they could back-date my new individual membership since I was the driving force behind our membership and there are perks the longer you're a member.  I was told no, but that I could just take over the membership, so I did.  That was one little victory for me!  My new art museum membership cards, with my new name, should arrive next week.  I can't wait!

Saturday

I had a great morning!  I met one of my favorite running partners and we had a great chat for 2 hours as we ran.  I have signed up to do a 50 kilometer (31 mile) race in May, so I need to get out and do some longer distances than I have the past few months to train.  I ran 15.1 miles this morning, which put me at 40 miles for the week and allows for an extra beer with dinner tonight :)  I don't even want to contemplate what my mental state would be without running.

I have been trying to avoid Thomas as much as possible.  I stayed in bed until after he left for his run and I left for mine a bit early so I wouldn't be here when he returned.  Unfortunately, there's about a 0.2 mile section where I would be going out and he would be coming home that we could run into each other.  I mean, what are the chances?  100% in this case.  I just waved to him, as I would any other runner.  He has become someone that I used to know.

Then, I met my mom for lunch and some shopping.  We had a great afternoon!  I had a phone interview for a job yesterday (my current job ends on March 31) and found out that they want me to come in for an in-person interview next week, so I had to get a new suit, which my mom bought for me.  The last time I wore a suit was in 2003 and I'd already donated my old suits, thinking I'd never have to wear one again.  (You know...I put Thomas through medical school and then he allows me to follow my dream of going back to school or working or starting my own nonprofit.  I held up my end of the bargain...)  I also bought another pair of pants since I only had one pair that fit me, having lost weight due to the stress of my impending divorce.

I came home and spent some time boxing things up and getting ready to move more things to my parents' house.  I want to get down to just the essentials here in case Thomas gets violent and I have to quickly leave the house.  That's part of the reason I'm trying to get the animals placed as soon as possible, with smaller, temporary cages at my parents' house if Max and Calypso have to stay there until I get an apartment.

Almost real-time blogging; these pictures were taken about 30 minutes ago.  Thomas is currently out on a date with his married mistress; the parrots and I are enjoying an evening at home.  We hope he stays out until they go to bed and I go upstairs to my room.

Calypso, who does not realize his dreams are about to come true and he will soon be rid of Thomas forever:

Max, who knows something is up and has been extra loving to me in an attempt to reassure herself everything will be OK:

Basil, who returns to his home a week from today.  He loves his owners, so will be very happy to see them again.  The plan is for him still to be willed to me at some point.  I can't keep him now because he's too loud for an apartment, but by the time he needs to be rehomed, hopefully I will be in a house and he can come back to me:

Beeps, who is reacting to the stress in the house by being increasingly aggressive, but just to Thomas (and when he sees the camera, as usual):

I've gotten daily updates and pictures on Stella.  She is doing remarkably well in her new home.  She always seemed to want to befriend Max, but Max was not interested.  In her new home, Stella's grey companion, Ellie, appears to want to be friends, so we're hopeful things will go well.  Additionally, she lives with a severe macaw who loves greys.  When he was at the rescue where I volunteer, I'd take him around with me to greet the parrots.  He'd ignore everyone except the greys.  When we'd stop by a grey's cage, he'd blush a bit and say "hi!  hello!" and flirt a bit.  He's enjoying his little grey harem (from afar -- they don't physically interact, he just talks to them.)

Rocky is doing really well at the rescue.  I visited him on Thursday but forgot to take pictures.  He's housed next to a female severe macaw, and the two of them go to the bottom of their respective cages and interact.  I took him out and he seemed rather happy to see me.  He was talking, singing, and dancing.  He's extremely resilient and will be OK.  He's enjoying the activity of the rescue and I will be involved in finding him a great home.

Thomas has not asked about Rocky or Stella at all and has basically ignored the parrots we still have at home. It's so strange how someone can change so much, or possibly that they were able to hide for so long and then reveal their true self.  He fooled me for years, but now that I look back on things, they weren't as great as I thought they were.  I am doing some writing exercises to understand our relationship and heal.  One was to come up with 5 nice things he'd done for me over the course of our relationship and then 5 upsetting things.  I could only come up with about 3 nice things and stopped at about 32 upsetting things before I realized I was supposed to stop at 5!

I just rationalized and made excuses for a lot of his behavior.  I'm pretty sure he has a combination of narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder, so I'm pretty lucky to be able to get out and start anew.  It's just too bad that the parrots are affected by his behavior.

My friends, both online and in real life, have been amazing.  Even my massage therapist has been calling to make sure I'm OK and gave me his cell phone number in case I ever need to chat.  My mom and I have made tentative plans to go to Europe once the divorce is final (possibly with my dad and sister), and my favorite running partner is going to hook me up with one of her friends who loves to go birding and would like a companion.  2012 is going to be a fantastic year!

What I'm listening to tonight...

He's back in the house :(

Thomas was supposed to come back tonight, but apparently his mistress's husband returned from his trip earlier than expected, so he returned last night instead.  He's not sure how long he's going to stay -- it could be days, weeks, or months.  I may be out before he is!  And then we have to sell the house.

The dark cloud of doom and gloom has returned.  It's very stressful.  The negativity is palpable.  He was like this before, but I always minimized and rationalized his behavior.  It will be a challenge to live together while we continue along the path to divorce.  If he's going to be here, at least he could try to be pleasant.  A cider or bit of wine makes him nearly tolerable.

Yesterday I went birding with a few friends, leaving work early.  Some short-eared owls had been sighted, so off we went.  After seeing them fly around a bit, we lucked out on one that was standing in a ditch on the side of the road, only about 15 feet from our car!  We watched him for a few minutes until he took off.  Simply breathtaking!

After that enjoyable experience, I had to return home to Thomas.  Not fun.  We came to an agreement on the property settlement, in an attempt to avoid going to litigation on the divorce.  We wrote it out and both signed it, so hopefully he will uphold his word this time.  As opposed to the part of our marriage ceremony where he promised to forsake all others.  You might be able to see that I'm not overly optimistic about this!  I didn't get what I feel I deserve, but it's reasonable and two lawyers told me that if we could agree to this, I'd be better off than taking my chances with litigation where I'd probably get a bit more but with lawyers' fees and the stress of litigation. 

Despite my negative tone in this entry, I am doing quite well.  My eyes have been opened and I've reviewed our relationship.  There's a big difference between sharing values and sharing hobbies.  We certainly shared hobbies, but our values are opposite.  I value honesty, integrity, family, kindness to animals and people, etc.  I'm really lucky to escape from this relationship at a relatively young age, so I still have years of happiness ahead of me.

I have some leads on jobs (mine ends on March 31) and hopefully will secure something in the next month or so.  Once I know where I will be working, I can rent an apartment and Max, Calypso, and I can move out.

Once again, my family and friends (including all of you!) have stepped up and have helped me through this process.  I have been overwhelmed with how supportive and loving everyone has been.  I have heard more compliments in the past 6 weeks than in the previous year.  No one can understand how/why this happened.  And if they met her, they'd understand even less!

The past few years have absolutely flown by, so now I'm hoping the next 6 months do as well.  I am excited about my new life and can't wait to get started!  It's just hard to do here with him around.  I feel like I'm currently stuck in neutral and I just want to move on.

Rocky's last day at my house

The day after Stella went home, Rocky went up to the rescue.  I was hoping to place him directly in a home to prevent his return to the rescue, but I was unable to find a place for him.  He was very unhappy at my house with Thomas gone.  He would scream, non-stop, for hours.  It was stressing me out terribly, at an already stressful time in my life.

I had a friend come to my house to help me move his cage.  Thomas refused to help out.  He's basically checked out and has not been helpful at all.  He's the one who destroyed the marriage, and I'm the one who's having to do most of the work now.  It's just unfair and I can't wait until this is over and I can start my new life.

Here are some pictures of Rocky on his last day at my house:

In the carrier, about to leave for the last time:

I heard that he's doing OK up there.  I will be up there tomorrow and I can see how he's doing.  I feel terrible that this is what happened to him.  Once again, he was just supposed to be a foster, and Thomas begged me to keep him back in 2006.  I acquiesced, and now Thomas abandons us.

Rocky's a tough guy, and he's living near two other severe macaws.  I'm hoping that his resiliency will serve him again until he can find a new home.  I will update on his progress, perhaps with pictures.

Stella's last day at my house

Stella went to her new home last Saturday.  She is in great hands -- I've received daily updates so far as to her progress.  She is settling in well, making noises, and talking a bit.  She is nicely stepping up and integrating well.  I only hope that Beeps and Rocky will fare as well as she has.

I took some pictures on her last morning with me.  She is just so adorable and I miss her terribly!

One of the last times that she and Max were near each other:

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself that I couldn't keep her, but I still feel as I failed her.  She was just supposed to be a foster, and Thomas decided he couldn't live without her, so she bonded to us and then we disappoint her.  It's just tearing me apart that Thomas's selfish and unreasonable actions have had far-reaching implications on these innocent creatures.  Stella is one of the lucky ones as she's currently in a great home.  I still can't believe that it's not mine.

A good day

I really will try to get some pictures up soon.  Maybe even later tonight if I don't get caught up in a book!

I had a fantastic day today.  I updated my resume -- something that I'd been putting off because Thomas had promised me that once I put him through medical school, I no longer had to work in my profession.  I was excited to have the time to explore some hobbies, maybe go back to school, or spend time volunteering at or starting my own nonprofit.  I upheld my end of the bargain, but six months out from him finishing after I supported him through applying for school, 4 years of school, 3 years of residency, and 2 years of fellowship, he decided to no longer uphold his end of the bargain.

I went into my profession not because I was passionate about it, but because I had a talent for it and I knew I'd always be able to support myself.  For many years, I thought I'd been foolish not to follow my passion since I'd married someone who was becoming a doctor.  And now I found out that practicality won out after all.

Rocky and Stella are out of the house.  Stella is in an amazing home.  They have updated me as to how well she's adapting.  Rocky does not currently have as happy of a story.  This is the first night he'll be spending at the rescue where I volunteer.  I had hoped to directly place him into a home, but his near-constant screaming meant that he and I were both extremely unhappy.

However, there are two female severe macaws up for adoption right now, so he's getting reacquainted with some of his own kind.  I am hopeful that we'll find him a great home.  (If anyone is willing to travel to the midwest and wants to adopt Rocky, let me know!)

I am listening to Tchaikovsky (if you have not heard his Violin Concerto in D, please do so soon!) and having a wonderful evening with the rest of the parrots.

Earlier in the day, I went to lunch and then shopping with my best friend and her family.  This is someone that I neglected far too long due to Thomas's social issues that I had previously explained away or made excuses about.

I expect to have great days to come.  Things might get a bit challenging as Thomas plans to return home on Wednesday.  I believe that his mistress's husband is returning from a month away and will be moving back into their marital home .  (Thomas has been living with his mistress for the majority of the past three weeks, except for the times when he said he wanted to try to reconcile with me and spent a night or two here before returning to her.  Until I put a stop to that, realizing that I deserve to be no less than #1 in my partner's life.)  Since we jointly own the house, I can't kick him out.  He has nowhere else to go, and I can't leave since I can't trust him to properly care for the animals.  At best, I can hope for a pleasant detente.

I will be blogging more regularly; sorry for the absence -- things were out of control, as was my mind!  But I am confident of my decision and in a great place.  I hope that everyone else had great weekends!

Thanks so much for your care and concern.  I have collated all of your caring comments into a document and will read (and have been reading) them when I get down.  I will be fine -- even better than before.  It's pretty amazing what you can get used to (I was like a frog in boiling water!) that, with hindsight, was unacceptable.

I look forward to spending the next few months working on myself and hopefully finding the true love of my life in the future.