In which Max makes me laugh

I'll admit it. I am a happy person and laugh a lot.

My therapist told me this is not always a good thing, as I endured years of abuse at Thomas's hands, thinking I was happy.  Yikes!  Interesting to think that I could have escaped years earlier.

But now that I am no longer in an (emotionally & verbally) abusive relationship, I am very glad that I have a high happiness base line.I think that's a good thing. 

I recently listened to a lecture on human behavior, and I learned that 50% of happiness is due to genetics, 10% is circumstances, and 40% is our behavior and how we react to things.  I am glad that my 50% genetics = happiness as I really only have control over 40% of my own happiness!

Max makes me laugh every single day. 

Currently, she is obsessed with the dark bathroom.

Here, she looks like she may want me to give her head pets; instead, she is just interested in heading to the bathroom.   She is a trickster!

As an aside, I may need to consider my parrots' opinions in great music.  They love Father John Misty, heard here, and his music is frequently listed as the best of 2012.

Note to record producers: I will loan out my parrots' expertise to tell you if you have a winner or not :)

Mid-September Update

Hello my dear blog friends,

Yet again, a month has gone by with very few posts and very few pictures taken. I intend to get back to a more normal posting schedule soon, but I've been intending to do so for months now! In any case, please do not take my silence for despair or sadness; on the contrary, things are great!

I think part of me didn't want to post because Thomas knows about the blog and I didn't want him knowing what's going on with my life. But then I realized that he just doesn't care. It kind of boggles my mind, but it's true.  He is never going to check the blog, because we are all dead to him.  So I can write whatever I want!

During one of the last times I had to speak with him, about selling the house (It's final and sold!) I mentioned that Rocky had been adopted and asked if he wanted to know about his new family, and he flat out said no, that he didn't care.

I'm not sure if this is false bravado after realizing that he's lost the only beings who ever loved him (me, my family, and the parrots) or if he really doesn't care, but I'm leaning toward the latter.  I've done a ton of reading on people with personality disorders, so I can understand, on an intellectual level, what is going on with him, but it's still hard for me to really understand what it's like to live that way.

In any case, after making that realization, I now feel safe to post.

The parrots are all doing extremely well.  My job is more demanding of my time, so I don't have as much time to spend with them as I'd like, but they are adjusting.

Here's a picture of Calypso, when he went from his stand to the plant that was next to his stand.  Luckily for him, it is perch-like as I did a bad job of rotating it so it didn't grow evenly!

Max is as sweet as ever.  She loves wandering around the house, looking for me.  She's kind of like a dog that way.  I figure it's good exercise for her, and since it's just me in the house, I don't have to worry about her getting stepped on.  Usually she flies, so she can land on my arm, but sometimes she walks.

Here she is after a bath a couple of days ago.  My mom and I were painting, and Max decided to keep us company.

As for me, work is going really, really well.  Long hours, but I knew that going in.  When Thomas left us just as I'd finished paying for him to go to medical school, right before he was to start actually contributing to the household, and just after I found out I was losing my well-paying job, I was a bit worried about what kind of job I'd be able to find and how I'd be able to support us, since cheaper places wouldn't allow birds.  I am happy to say that I have landed on my feet.  I will most likely buy a house in the spring, and I can't wait to make it all mine!  And the parrots', of course!

I love our new neighborhood!  I can go weeks without using my car, as I usually walk or take the bus to work, and grocery shopping, many of my friends, and tons of things to do are within a half mile of my apartment.  My bike is currently being fixed up, and then I will become a bicycle commuter.  I can't wait!

I have been dating a bit -- a lot of bad first dates -- I will have to relay some of the stories here in the future.  But I've recently met someone who is a bit promising.  It's still really early on, but we laugh for hours, have tons in common, and he is super good-looking!  And he lives less than a mile from me! 

The last 7 or so years of my marriage, I can't remember Thomas complimenting me.  Medical school, residency, and fellowship changed him.  He'd tell me I was fat (I'm a size 4), or that I was ugly and looked like a man (not true) -- which I laughed off as I thought he was joking.  But now I think that he was serious and trying to make me unhappy because he is a fundamentally unhappy person and misery loves company.  It's so great to be around friends and family that are so nice to me!  I was trying to think of the last time someone was mean to me, and I couldn't remember.  It had to have been Thomas, but it's so insignificant now that I can't even remember the specific incident.

Sometimes I get angry at myself for staying in a bad marriage for so long.  I thought I was happy, and I didn't recognize it as a bad marriage.  Why did I not realize when I was being verbally and emotionally abused?  My therapist told me it was like I was in a one-man cult, and I'm such a happy, positive person that I didn't let it get me down.  But that I have to be very careful in recognizing red flags and acting on them so that I don't waste more years in another terrible relationship, with someone who doesn't deserve me.  I have done so much reading and introspection, and I'm glad that I got out when I was young enough to create a new, wonderful life for myself.

Anyway, by putting this out on the blog, I am hoping to start regular posting again.  I love being able to go back throughout the years and see what I was doing this time of year in 2009, for example, and the future me will probably be upset with the present me for not writing regularly!

Living with the enemy

I've been thinking about writing a post like this for quite a while, ever since I realized how many people were finding my blog by doing searches on phrases like "I hate my macaw."  This just breaks my heart, and I hope that those who would bother doing such searches are looking for ways to improve their relationship with their parrot.  Maybe this post can help.  There are no easy answers or quick fixes, but with the dedication of all of the humans in the house, I truly believe that an solution that is amenable to everyone can be found.

As anyone who's read more than a few entries of this blog knows, I live with a severe macaw who prefers my husband and wishes he could drive me out of the house so the two of them could live happily ever after.  I know my husband won't leave me for a macaw, so Rocky and I needed to figure out a way to live in harmony.  This duty would fall mainly on me since I am the human.  And, much as I wish it were otherwise, you can't really reason with a macaw.

Over the years, we've worked out a system that works incredibly well.  The steps I took are ones that can be helpful in solving most parrot behavior issues.  These are not necessarily in order, or even in order of importance.  But I do believe they are all important, and if I try to craft a perfect entry, this will never get posted.

1. Changing my attitude.  As I've written before, since I had a fair amount of parrot experience before adopting Rocky, I felt confident that I'd be able to win him over and make him equally tame to both of us.  As it became clearer that Rocky was an extreme one-person bird intent on driving me out of the flock, I began to despair.  None of my tricks were working!  He'd rather bite my hand than take his favorite food from me, even if he was hungry!

It made me question my fitness as a parrot-owner, and it made me start to have negative feelings toward him.  Ultimately, I realized this isn't fair to Rocky.  He is a wild animal and shouldn't be in captivity.  In the wild, he'd need those skills to drive off competitors for his partner's affection.  It wasn't anything personal, and parrots aren't good judges of character.

Additionally, I realized that parrots are experts at picking up on our body language.  If I didn't like him, he'd know, and that would just feed into our disagreements.  I'd decided to bring him into my house, and it was my responsibility to give him the best life I could.  Plus, there's a good chance that he could be with us for much of the rest of our lives.  Since we were committed to him, I could live out those years angry about the way he treated me, or I could get over it.  I chose the latter.

That's not to say there aren't days when I want to strangle him and wonder what I was thinking back in 2006 when we brought him home.  But, overall, changing my attitude and looking at that quirky little guy with a mixture of bemusement and love has really improved things.

2. Adjusting my expectations.  As I've mentioned before, I was so confident that I'd win him over and that he'd be tame to both of us.  After all, Max had, at one point, started to prefer me, but we worked through that and now she liked us both.  Surely the same thing would happen with Rocky!

Except, that didn't happen.  He, like many severe macaws, is an extreme one-person bird, completely immune to my charms.  I realized that Thomas and I would never have the same relationship with Rocky.  And that would be OK.  Over the years, I've forged my own relationship with him.  It's hard to explain, but, in some way, he considers me part of his flock.  He'll scream if I leave the room as he wants us to be together for dinner.  He'll sing to and dance with me.  He likes to be near me when Thomas is gone.

I must add that most birds are not as extreme one-person as Rocky is.  But, just as we humans have different relationships with different people (I have a far different reaction if my husband, or a stranger, or someone I don't like tries to hug me!), it's only natural the same might apply to parrots. 

3. Being observant. Most parrots are very demonstrative with their body language.  I've found this to be particularly true with the new-world species: macaws, amazons, caiques, etc.  For me, the greys and cockatoos are a bit harder to read, but their body language can be learned through careful study and experience.

Quite frankly, if Rocky bites someone, it's pretty much their fault for ignoring his warning signs and pushing past his comfort zone.  Note: this does not apply if he were to leap at someone.  I mean, how much clearer could he be?

I really want to bite you!  Look how big and scary I am!!!

I really recommend that people who have parrots with aggression issues should keep a journal (or blog!) of their experiences, which can help make patterns show more clearly.  Then, you can use that knowledge to arrange the environment for success (see below.)  Armed with a journal, you can notice patterns.  Or, if you have a good memory, you may not need a journal.  For example, Rocky will even bite Thomas if Thomas wears certain clothes, tries to pick him up in the hallway, or if Rocky's just in a bad mood and giving off warnings.

4. Arranging the environment for success. Although I am a proponent of flight for captive parrots, this is not always possible.  Rocky is allowed to fly now, but he's been clipped in the past for jumping me.  Armed with your observations (see above), you can begin figuring out ways to arrange the environment for success.

I will give some examples of what we've done in our house.  Since Rocky tends to stalk and attack my feet unless I have a stick in my hand (he steps up on the stick, averting an attack, I don't beat him with it!) he's not allowed out of his cage when I change foods and waters as my hands and mind are otherwise occupied.

Speaking of sticks, that's another example.  I needed to have a way to move Rocky around and to thwart an attack.  We stick trained him and I always keep a stick near me.  If he's coming to attack, I just have him step up, which diffuses the situation.

Rocky has been known to jump me, but only when my back is turned.  He's a bit cowardly, but I'm grateful for that fact, as that just means I need to look at him to avert an attack.  This may involve walking backwards out of a room.

If I sit on the couch normally and he's out, there's a good chance he'll come over to attack my feet.  Solution?  I bring my legs and feet on the couch to safety.

I could come up with many more examples, but I think this might be getting old.  Basically, it is far easier for me to change (e.g. sit with my legs on the couch) than to change Rocky (e.g. train him not to attack my feet on the ground.)  He didn't ask to live with us (well, me at least -- he did instantly bond to Thomas at the rescue, but he had no idea what was in store for him by making THAT choice!) so at least I can meet him part way.

5. Being safe.  This encompasses many of the above comments.  When you live with a biter, the last thing you want to do is give him opportunities to practice biting.  As with anything, practice makes perfect!  I recommend figuring out ways to prevent attacks rather than reacting to them.  Watch body language, stick train, know where the bird is at all times so he can't launch a sneak attack, make sure all people in the home know the rules.

Speaking of that, at the rescue, I am amazed at the number of people who use one-person parrots as a weapon.  The bird only likes one person, and that favored person uses the parrot to settle scores with the unfavored person.  Ultimately, the bird loses.

But it doesn't have to be so nefarious on the part of the other person to have the same result.  Thomas and I now have a rule that if he's letting Rocky out, he's got to tell me.  I remember writing about this when it happened, but a few years back, I assumed that Rocky was in his cage as that's the last place I'd seen him and Thomas was getting ready for work, so I didn't think he'd let him out.  I was drying my hair in the bathroom with the door open.  Result: I couldn't hear the tell-tale "click click" of his talons as he traversed the floor looking for his prey (i.e. me.)  I first knew he was there as I simultaneously heard a scream of victory and felt his beak on my toes.  Luckily I have very fast reaction times, so no serious damage was done.

6. Developing our own routines/fun.  This is very important, and goes along with adjusting expectations.  I can't do most of the things that Rocky and Thomas do together.  Things that involve physical touch.  I can, however, do things with him that don't involve the possibility of getting bit.

For example, I put on his favorite music and we sing and dance.  We play fetch where I throw a toy for him and he brings it back to me.  We exchange fake coughs.  Every night, we spend several minutes repeating "Gimme a kiss! *kiss kiss kiss*" to each other.  He sticks his foot through the cage and I touch his feet.  Granted, he then fake bites his leg as he quickly brings it back in the cage and gives me an evil look, probably disappointed that my finger didn't go through the cage for a bite.

Over the years, we've developed dozens of routines and games that reinforce our bond, however different that bond is from the one he shares with Thomas, and however different from the bond I thought I'd share with him when we brought him home.

7. Get away, when necessary.  Meg mentioned this, and it's important.  Anecdotally, parrots tend to do best with around 12 hours of sleep.  This appears to be less important with greys, but more important with the new world species and cockatoos.  Our birds are on a 7 pm - 7 am sleep schedule, which means that Thomas and I get a couple of hours every night to ourselves.  (We are ridiculous and go to bed at 9 as we wake at 5 every morning and need 8 hours of sleep!)

When we are home on the weekends for the entire day, the parrots, especially Rocky, tend to go into overload.  They are used to us being gone during the week, so a full day of us is a little too much for them to handle.  When it gets to that point, we put everyone in their cages and leave for a break.  This helps keep everyone happy.

When you're living with a difficult parrot, knowing that you will/can have a break can make all of the difference, which can help the time you spend together less stressful and even pleasant.

If anyone has any other suggestions of things that you've done to win over/happily live with a difficult parrot, I'd love to hear them, and it may be able to help someone else in a similar situation.

Little Brian

Thanks to all for your comments on my budgie dilemma.  I think I frequently fall into the trap of anthropomorphizing my animals and in trying to do what I think is best for them, I end up doing something they may not like.  After all, since parrots are flock animals, surely they'd prefer to have another of their own kind living with them, right?  Ha!  Just look how well that turned out for my caiques and greys.  Why don't I learn?

Luckily, that other budgie found a great home.  Later that day, I got a message about a tame budgie with neurological problems -- might I like to take him home?  I got that message after the deadline passed (another volunteer took him home) so didn't have to make any decisions there.  I think it's best Brian remain an only budgie.  Perhaps someday I can have a budgie hospice, with enough budgies so they can choose their own partners, and enough space so they can get away when they'd like.

As was pointed out to me, he's only ever lived with humans, and may not welcome a budgie companion.  Also, since some birds will try to drive out sick members of the flock, I wouldn't want anyone to harm him (due to his tumor) or for him to harm the newcomer.

All this talking and thinking about budgies made me appreciate Little Brian even more this weekend.  Thomas was drinking from a different water bottle than usual, and Brian was entranced:

He was singing and chirping to it; possibly because he could sense his reflection, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants a friend -- he's got us!

Thomas was trying to read a magazine, but Brian wanted some attention:

He is well-mannered, so will jump off of the magazine for a page turn and then jump back on.  Reading around him can be a bit tricky as he does seem to find the article you're currently reading and stand right in the middle!

Stranded!

I am stranded in Boston. I waited at the airport for over 7 hours this afternoon/evening to take my flight home, when they finally informed us that they were canceling the flight and we'd have to rebook for Friday at the earliest!

This made me quite unhappy, as I am out of clean clothes and really wanted to get home. Luckily Thomas called around and got me a hotel reservation so I didn't have to worry about that; now I only have to sit and wait until I can get home again.

I asked how things were going with the parrots at home. Thomas said pretty well. Rocky apparently misses having his nemesis (me) around; though my husband could have been trying to make me feel better.

When I called him earlier, he told me that the greys were boycotting him -- they'd flown into the kitchen. They flew back to the living room when he was on the phone with me. I joked that they'd heard my voice, but it's more likely they were just being nosy. Max also bit Thomas twice -- something she never does. I think she misses me. Or at least the routine.

Beeps has apparently become aggressive against Brian, so Thomas has to stagger when they can be out, for Brian's safety. This is upsetting, but not unexpected, and one of the reasons I was hesitant to bring a budgie into our flock. We'll make it work.

Other than that, I don't really know what's going on, though I left the camera with Thomas, so I should have many updates and blog entries once I finally get home. Who knows when that will be.

I'm trying not to get too upset, as I can't change my situation. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of snow here tomorrow, so the T probably won't be running and I'll be stuck in the hotel. At least there are treadmills here and an attached bookstore. Thursday I'm hoping the weather will have calmed down enough for me to visit either the MFA or the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum. Or maybe I'll just mope in my room.

I had the most amazing pumpkin ravioli at my hotel this evening and may try to make it later this year. I wish I were home!

2010 review & 2011 preview

As I like to do every year, this is the perfect time to reflect on the past year and plan for the upcoming one. Reading last year's entry, some of my 2010 goals were met; others not so much!

I only read three French books, did not average yoga three time per week, and met none of my knitting goals. However, I did finally finish Citizens, as well as the Harry Potter series. I didn't think it was possible, but 2010 was an even better running year for me than 2009. More PRs (15K, half marathon, marathon), quite a few medals from placing in my age group at races, and a happy finish at the Boston Marathon.

I hope that the parrots had another good year. I think that they did, despite the fact that Rocky's dream of having Thomas to himself did not materialize as I am still around. We lost Daphne, whom I still miss deeply, daily. Brian joined our household, on almost the last day of the year. I know 2010 was the year that Steve's life turned around when he met Shannon. I look forward to following their journey as he continues to improve.

As for 2011, I'm hoping the good times continue! With any luck, Brian will be with us the entire year. Thomas might be presenting at a conference in Amsterdam and I'd then get to tag along as he'd extend his stay to include a week's vacation. If not, we're still going to try to get to Europe in the spring.

Of course, I also have fitness goals. I'm hoping to run at least 3 marathons this year, do 5,000 push-ups, and drastically increase the frequency of my weight lifting and yoga practice.

As usual, I hope to read at least 52 books, including 6 Pulitzer prize-winning novels. This year's Citizens will be Barbara Tuchman's A Distant Mirror, which has been on my bookshelf for over 8 years now.

I'm also hoping to make at least 12 new non-dessert recipes and knit something that I won't be embarrassed to give as a gift to someone (I am a very bad knitter!)

Lots of goals on my plate, and a fresh new year in which to accomplish them! I hope that everyone reading had a great 2010 and will have an even better 2011!